Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
