Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015