Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
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With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same