whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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