She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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