dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
