Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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