he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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