Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
