I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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