Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
