Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
