Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
