I wish I could teleport
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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