My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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