I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
