We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
