Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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