I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
