I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
