so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
