im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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