i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
