I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
