hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
