ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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