if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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