I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
