it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
