i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
