I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
