How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
