Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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