Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
