I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
