I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize