Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's blow job season.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
