On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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