Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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