Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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