The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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