Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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