I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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