I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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