Just cropdusted the office
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
