So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
