Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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