is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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