i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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