What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
