Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
