Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize