dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I need to calm my uterus...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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