party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
