Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
