he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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