It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
