She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
