Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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