and she was petting her beer can
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
