I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
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Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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