You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
