there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
