my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
