true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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